oh God oh god oh God

Under the name “Diana Loomis” written on the inside cover my mother wrote my name in. I dont know if I had never noticed or just forgotten.

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn out tools:

I’m building, I swear I’m building, It only looks like I’m going crazy and withdrawing from the world. I’m just scared.

I had an oddly productive day today. I think my mother’s soul took over me because I had a sudden urge to paint the upstairs bathroom, a project she started atleast two years ago and never finished. There were a few random splotches left around the room, some in periwinkle, some an awful shade of light sea green. Now its all dark blue.
I don’t know why I felt the need to do it, maybe its some way of moving on.
I had this crazy idea for a moment that I could finish all the projects she had started then abandoned, and maybe write a book about it. I know I never really could.

I feel like she left me unfinished.

My sister asked if I was ok because I’ve been cleaning a lot lately. The truth is, someone has to do it. My dad works, and I don’t want to deal with him bitching about dishes.The work isn’t difficult or overwhelming, I really can’t complain. If only I could find a desire to clean my own room

I also went to the gym again.

And I washed a bunch of dirty clothes.

And I searched for a letter that I lost and really need to find.
Not any sort of romantic correspondence, just some stressful paperwork.

And now I will sleep.

I can’t remember her last words, but I think they may have been
“What’s happening?”

Or

“What’s going on?”

Something along those lines. .
I just remember her sitting up, terrified. I don’t know if anything came after that.

My manager at the bakery is getting married, so a few months ago when she got engaged she joined weight watchers to lose a little weight. Our coworker Jenny had started earlier, and had lost 20 pounds at that point. It must be more by now. Slowly, every one of my coworkers joined. So I gave into peer pressure last week and joined online to try and lose the stress weight I put on, these ten pounds that keep jumping manically in and out of my life.
I haven’t lost any weight this week, I didn’t really stick to it, and I went to the wedding where I basically ate fettucini alfredo all weekend. But I have really realized just how unhealthy my eating habits are. I spend a lot of time grabbing little bites of candy at work without noticing, and I have a wierd tendency to binge before bed. I wouldn’t say I’ve been eating less, I’ve just been eating a hell of a lot healthier.
I also joined a gym. My big incentive here is really money, once I’ve spent it I have to go. I actually have been, to try. And strengthen my knees and legs before school. Its pretty amazinf, at least for me since I’ve never been athletic. Its really helped my insomnia and made a big difference in my stress level.
This is all boring but I’m excited about it.

I went to my cousin mickey’s wedding in newport. The wedding was nice, elegant but still low key. The dress was beautiful. But I have to say the cake was just…meh. It wasn’t necessarilly a bad cake, simple, and maybe I’m just picky, but it didn’t seem right. The caterer did it. It was only two tiers, separated by pillars(80s?)
They were frosted with buttercream and the sides were piped with a basketweave pattern(80S!) And it was top wilh a pile of fresh berries. This wasn’t exactly a small wedding, and it didn’t fit with the mediteranean theme of the dinner. It was just odd basketweave is generally just tacky in my opinion unless its very apprpriate, and its piped in a specific pattern in royal icing to create an illusion of really weaving the icing. This was basically a messy cross hatching of buttercream.I mean, my dad and I learned how to do it when we took a community ed class. I know I’m being the worlds biggest snob and I probably couldn’t have done the cake but part of me is just shocked they didn’t let me make the cake.