I had a productive morning, did some laundry and started filing my taxes. The forms are almost all filled out, I have no idea if I did them correctly. This whole process is horribly confusing.

It seems that when my mom got sick (the first time, my freshman year) I began a dramatic process of shutting myself off from the world. I only interact with people from my safe zones-in the classroom and at work. Occasionally over dinner, food is safe. Andrew seems to have figured out the system of actually seeing me and he came to visit me at work, it was nice. I drank my coffee way too fast and after he left I started having a mild panic attack and sweating.

I told him about all my crazy become-a-hermit ideas and he told me
“That is the craziest dream I’ve ever heard”
I don’t think he understood that my dreams, like me, are very much a work in progress.

I met Susan the other night(that is a post that will take time to write), and I told him about the conversation, and all my inner dialogue.
He told me the world would be a much more interesting place if I spoke my mind all the time and I told him I have spent most of my life doing just that, and now I have very few friends.



One thought on “

  1. I'm trying to speak my mind more too. It's hard because it takes a willingness to be vulnerable that I trick myself into thinking I have. It's easier when you're around those who care about you. On “I have spent most of my life doing just that, and now I have very few friends” – it just goes to show how rare friendship is. Can't wait for the Susan post, I thought you had already met her.


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