It has been a while since I quit smoking, I can’t remember the last time I had a cigarette. I got caught walking behind two guys smoking today, and it was really awful. I feel incredibly guilty for all the times I probably did that to people.

There are days where I miss it, where I consider just starting back up to lose the weight I gained when I quit. I think I mostly miss the aesthetic.

I miss having an accessory that said(in my mind)
“I may look like a cheery chubby 5-year old, but I am really just a cynic.”
“I appreciate the sex symbols of eras past.”
“I am a rebel, with out a cause.”

It probably said:
“I am ignorant about my asthma condition.”
“I am young, stupid, and trashy.”
“I have no sense of smell or respect for my palette.”

It’s hard being at my school, where half the students reek of smoke. I must have smelled terrible. I bet Freud would have a field day analyzing why women smoke…

Well, I’m glad I have accomplished something in the past year.

I have noticed recently that I have been giving out a lot of advice that I should just give myself. I am hesitating to decide on so many things in my life right now. Decisions leave me awake at night. I am desperately incomplete. I am so scared to be alone.

I think I just need a sign. Not something from God, something from a human. I just need to know someone can hold me up. Maybe I just have to find that strength within myself. I’m tired of relying on myself, when I’m willing to help others.

If I could, I would fix all my friend’s problems. I can’t and it’s very hard for me to deal with it. I just want to help.

My manager really misses her husband, he moved away for his job. I think all the time about how I just want to leave her a plane ticket to go see him. I just know there is no way for me to do it without her knowing it is me. Am I crazy?

Maybe I am just making amends for the way I treat people sometimes. I have an incredibly loud mouth. I talk too much, and too enthusiastically. I can sometimes be cruel when I intended to be mild. I sometimes get stuck in gossip about my coworkers, and my dark humor gets me in trouble. I feel guilty all day. I wonder what they say about me.

When my mother died I was prepared to handle the denial, and the depression, and the bargaining, and acceptance. I was not prepared for the anger. I find myself infuriated at people around me. My thoughts scream so loudly, I am sure that those around me hear it. I apologized to my coworkers, who claim they have not noticed. Maybe I am just internalizing it, but I am afraid sometimes that I am going to explode.

I have been having trouble sleeping recently. It is such a vicious cycle, I can’t sleep, and I know I have to be awake in 5 hours, so I become more stressed, which makes it harder to sleep.

I just want to make people happy. Maybe I am severely over-compensating for the fact that I can’t make him happy. Maybe these moments are only standing out because of the contrast, maybe I am just an incredibly good-hearted person.

Eh, probably not.

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One thought on “

  1. You are an incredibly good-hearted person. Being a cynic or having dark humors doesn't say otherwise, it just adds to your complex personality. It has taken me a little while to understand that about myself but you can't deny yourself of having good-hearted nature when you feel it and express it through your interactions with others and have consistently for years. I know you're probably not seriously concerned about this but I felt an urge to tell you.

    I'M SO HAPPY YOU QUIT SMOKING!!

    I'm still in limbo… but I think you have to go on a solo journey. You have an amazing adventure to look forward to which will give you strength and after the adventure I think your mind will be comfortable with the notion of being single again. And who knows maybe you won't be single… You're so strong and I know you can do it, and I think it's what you desperately need. If he can't make himself happy you can't burden yourself, because he needs to change first before any progress can happen.

    If you need or want to talk about this more, call me!

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