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I feel like I have reached a point with myself where I understand my feelings so well, and the patterns they gain, that I can essentially predict the future. It’s both reassuring and rather depressing.

Start the countdown.

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I left my heart in Paris but I’ve been running the clock six hours fast since you brought it home to you. You’re adorable, and you seem to have succeeded where many have tried and failed this summer. I’m not quite sure how you pulled it off.

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He’s perfect. I’m keeping him.

So I went over to ATCB’s last night to watch Singin’ in the Rain and try to squeeze some joy out of the weather. Mission: Success.

So I wake up next to him and we have a discussion of breakfast while cuddling in bed. I love how he talks about breakfast.

So he asks me how I would like my eggs and I give the obvious answer: scrambled with cheddar cheese. There really is no better way to have eggs. One major problem, his house in unfortunately cheddar-cheeseless. So, being all chivalrous,  he goes out the the store to buy some. Just for me! Ok well, he likes cheese as much as I do but it was the sweetest cheese related thing I’ve ever witnessed. He’s so considerate. I spend my shower time singing and melting.

So I get out of the shower and I find him looking all kinds of adorable as he unpacks his groceries. Then he pulls out a surprise for me-CHOCOLATE GRANOLA!

Well, if you remember my earlier post on the subject you know how strong my feelings on this subject are.

I instantly became so happy my heart was about to explode. He is perfect. I’m keeping him.

Then he pulls out a SECOND bag of the granola for me to take home with me! Where did I find him? Are there more of him so I can introduce them to all of my friends? Why am I so fucking lucky?

So the moral of the story is: I can absolutely learn to enjoy vanilla as long as it means I get a bit of chocolate for breakfast.

Lalala. My life is perfect.

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There’s a new Sheriff in town.

I did a lot of writing today, and I wanted to post it up for your insane reading pleasure but I realized I would have to basically re-write the whole thing to make it appropriate. So I have decided to censor myself and give you a mildly more PC version of the writing I did today:

Wow the past few days have been a bit crazy, at least for someone like me. On Saturday night I couldn’t sleep for some reason, maybe because I was nervous about Sunday. ATCB took me to a Red Sox game. I was kind of nervous about the whole experience, something most around me couldn’t understand. I just decided to look at the experience as an anthropological experiment and try to enjoy myself.

I actually had quite a lot of fun. Well, for a baseball game. I got all dressed up in my version of sports fan clothing, it was quite the sight. The weather was miserable but ATCB was so excited that I decided to just put on a ridiculously cheery smile and try and go with it. I did an alright job of my act of happy-sports fan-bullshit until we were inside the crowd of people. I was so over stimulated that, as I expected, I instantly went into my pod. The whole screaming cheering clapping charade is just not in my nature, save when I — —————————————————————————————————————————

However, ATCB’s review of the situation was

“————————————————————————————————————–“

So I just sort of instantly shut down ————————————————————————arch nemesis of food- ——————————————————————–. I refused to eat, but he force fed me French fries. I became ————————————————————————————. So I ——————————–not drinking beer. Woo-fucking-hoo. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay baseball!

So I said earlier to Nicole,

“————————————————, I am dragging his ass to a chick flick. I don’t even like chick flicks.”

So we leave the game and we venture over to Hungry mother to get some delicious comfort food. I loved it. The bartender was totally adorable, I wanted to stick him in my pocket and take him home with me. Plus I got to have my favorite beer(Pretty Things American Darling). I tried a few new foods and pretty much everything I had was delicious. Except the one bite I had of ATCB’s pork thing which can follow hot dogs into the list of foods that are just not for me.

So I became aggressively over full and began to think —————————————————————————————————————————-. It was a very good very bad decision. —————————————————————————————————————————————————– permanently none-the wiser.

Oh, did I mention at some point during this evening I found myself————————————? What?! WHY?!WHY CAN’T I JUST SHUT UP?! Evidently if I start talking long enough all of the lies I tell myself start coming out and I find myself in incredibly awkward positions having a very lazy panic attack.

So he seemed like he ———————————- at Hungry Mother, and I let the conversation continue when we got home and he was making tea. At that point I was ————– I considered just ———————————–. I am such a —————-.

It seems like a good idea at first. ———————————,————————-. Plus, my life has been going a lot of crazy places and I am ready for some stability. Evidently ——————————————————–invitation to———————————————————–. All. The. Time.

So we get back to his place and I’m thinking “—————————————————.” So ATCB, ignoring the incredibly cute pseudo sports fan lying on his couch, decides to make tea. This—————-, becomes —————–. It seems his roommates had drank his tea so he had to choose. He considered drinking yerba mate tea but made me look it up because he was afraid to be caffeinated. The whole time I was just thinking “You really don’t ——————————————–?” as I plotted out whether I would rather pay to see Eat, Pray, Love or rent The Notebook. Did I mention I was going on an hour of sleep and had been awake since 4 a.m. on Saturday morning…and it was now 12 a.m. on Monday morning. Suck it up ——, —————- and ————like a man. A ———-, ———- man.

Or…not.

So after ———————————————–grin and says, “————————————.”

And I’m thinking,

“Really?! You haven’t seen anything yet.”

I probably should have realized then that ———————————————————————————————–vanilla ——————————————————. Suddenly the baseball game was looking pretty exciting.

Waking up next to him is fantastic. It definitely falls into my top ten list of the best feelings in the world. Which I will attempt to write down now:

1. The first time I get the feeling in the pit of my stomach that autumn is coming.

2. Taking off in an airplane.

3. Cracking open a brand new journal.

4. Taking an unnecessarily long hot shower just to relax.

5. Coming up with a fantastic line at 3 in the morning and actually getting up to write it down.

6. Waking up in another country.

7. The fourth or fifth sip of coffee, when you are just beginning to wake up and truly experience the taste.

8. Eating lentils and rice.

9. Finding presents waiting for you.

10. Waking up next to the person you are falling for.

That’s my rough edit, I’m sure there are some very important things being left off. Such as anything to do with chocolate, finishing a big project, and reading letters.

The next night we basically stayed in bed all day being incredibly productive (a.k.a cuddling and staring into each other’s eyes). Please excuse me while I vomit. We then went to dinner with Jen and Chris at Toro which was delicious and also involved me trying a lot of new things. The wine ATCB picked was really delicious and like nothing I had ever tasted before, just sort of…sexy? Yes, that’s the word I’m looking for. It’s nothing that from its description I would have expected to like but I find myself quite enjoying it and sad when it was gone. Chris tried to get us to go to a show but we ended up heading home. We hung out with his sister, who is really fucking adorable. We drank a chocolate stout that was made with nibs from the chocolate company she works for. All the chocolate talk was making me so hungry. Torturous.

So I get myself some —————————————’ and I begin to panic that I ————————————–. He is just ————————————. He ————————– desired. I just want to yell, “—————, kiss me ————-!” I am worried that I won’t be able to behave myself ——————-. Also, ———————, —————– all the time. Is that so much to ask? I wish there was some proper way to tell him that ————————————-, well, —————. This is the first time sex —————-. My —————————————————– and I really don’t want to go through that again. I don’t know what to do. I really like him. Fuck.

So I had been wondering this whole time why —————————-. Not that I even particularly want it, but the fact ———————was starting to make me wonder. When —————————————————. This whole ————————— is really starting to ————————-.

Speaking of things that really bother me, ————————. I mean, I just ——————————————— but I’m mature enough ——————–. When I finally —————————— he said something along the lines of “——————————————.”

I just said,

“—————————– distraction.”

It was definitely one of those moments, and it set off a severe case of writer’s brain. He just seems like a nice guy ——————————————–. His ————–is going to end up hurting me indirectly.

———————————————————————————————. I don’t know what to do. He makes me really happy —————————————————————–. I don’t know what to do, I guess I’m just waiting to see how I feel tomorrow when the rain isn’t getting me down.

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I’m having one of those nights where I can’t sleep, and I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and listening to the same song over and over again.

I’m not smoking, but I keep thinking about it. You leave me breathing heavilly, sighing dramatically. I would love to leave you in the evening with smoke curling out of my mouth and around your face.

I have found myself so feverish these days that words come tripping and falling out of my mouth before I have time to stop myself. Suddenly they are catching up with me, and I feel guilty. Who knows what idiotic things I will say tomorrow.

Maybe I will take a vow of silence and give myself time to listen to everyone else. In the moments you are brave enough to speak freely I find myself incredibly happy. Don’t stop.

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Nickie: Don’t you think life should be gay and bright a bubbly like champagne?

Terry: I like pink champagne.

Nickie: Yes, that’s the kind I mean – pink champagne. Now is there any reason why from now on, this trip shouldn’t be pink champagne?

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So maybe I’m getting a bit excited….

I want to paint the room. I want to buy a couch. No, a loveseat. I want it to be RED.

Why cant Nick just give me the OK so nicole can come over and we can start planning out the fabulousness that is going to the my living room/sanctuary. WHY?!

Dear Universe,
Would you please give my adorably stoned little brother a nudge to just let me completely take over his bedroom? You know, right now?
Would you also help me find a couch? A red one? Please? Maybe somewhere to put my feet up? They hurt all the time.
Love always,
Alessandra

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I love my life. (seriously)

So my father was driving me absolutely insane these past few week with his incessant nagging. Then, this morning at work I was talking it out with my boss (as we venusians do).

Then suddenly I realized that my dad just needed some serious attention. I thought the fact that he has a new girlfriend would make him happy. However, he isn’t working right now, and she is. He probably stays at home all day thinking about her. The sexual frustration is clearly driving him bat-shit crazy. So he nit-picks at little things, like me leaving a single glass out. When I’m really frustrated, I usually do the same things.

Speaking of which, my bedroom is immaculate.

I also think that I have been having a crisis of my own. I’m completely ready to be independent, financially and emotionally. Though I feel an obligation to stay home until I’m done with school. I hate feeling like I rely on my dad. I try to contribute what I can but there is really on excuse for me not to contribute further. I also have a very strong need to have my own space. My brother is gone, and his bedroom is abandoned save for his remaining junk. I could easilly turn it into a living space for myself.

So after I had my epiphany I called my dad and told him to come into the bakery for some breakfast. He likes to flirt(innocently) with my coworkers and eat a croissant, it’s the best way to put him in a good mood.

So I sat him down and I asked him to just listen to me for a bit. I told him how I had noticed that he was acting very strangely and that all the fuss could not possibly have been about dishes. I reassured him that he is still my dad, and he still plays a role in my life, but I also need to prove myself more. I told him I realized he really needs some attention. I also know how my dad is a total momma’s boy. After my mom died, I spent a while sort of playing house with him. I was cooking and cleaning and trying to just keep him together. At some point I realized I had been ignoring my own need to mourn and I just gave up. My dad can’t function without a woman helping him someway, that’s just how he is. I proposed the idea of planning a weekly dinner night for the two of us, where I would cook him a nice dinner and we would sit down and enjoy it. I also proposed the idea of paying some rent in order to lessen his financial burden.

My dad was so happy. I was actually surprised how well it went. I think the idea of a serious home-cooked meal is what did most of it. Food=Happy. He actually didn’t really care about paying rent but I agreed to take over all my school expenses(books, gas for my commute) and car insurance, etc. So I feel responsible, and understanding.

He loved the idea of weekly dinner, and it will be an open table to invite in friends or anyone who wants to join in. Hopefully we can get my brother to show up sometime.

He also gave me the ok to take over Nick’s room if Nick says it’s ok. It’s a project I’m definitely excitied about. I called Nick and he was too stoned to give me a real answer which is indescribably annoying but I guess I will just have to be patient and spend my time really planning so I can turn it into a really great space for myself.

I know that I seemingly got the short end of the stick by agreeing to domestic duties and paying rent but I’m actually really happy. I love my life.

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Hmmmm

I woke up today and the commitophobe in me unearthed its angry claws. Uh-oh.

Date two with ATCB was amazing. I was actually brave enough to eat in front of him! We spent ten hours together, it was a bit ridiculous. Good ridiculous. Even though I’m incredibly comfortable around him I also get really nervous and it creates a lot of awkward moments.

The dated started off really…adorably? When he got to my house he had something for me. It was a tiny bottle of pink champagne! Guess he read my blog…

It was the just really sweet (and also quite smooth) and I almost just laid one on him right then, but my inherent fear of breaking him set in so I held back.

This seems like it has a lot of potential, and some wierd part of me just wants to ruin it. Or disappear. I am amazing at disappearing. I keep asking myself what the catch is- there is always some sort of catch. Always.

So we have a coffee date in an hour before he heads to work. Hopefully this means I get to see him in his work shirt. He looks so nice in his work shirt. I will have to see how it goes.

I am meeting up with a German guy who contacted me on couchsurfing. He is studying journalism, I think at Harvard. He seems quite nice. He asked me to show him some Boston bakeries but I told him I would just bring him some fabulous dessert from my job. We are meeting at Bartley’s for burgers. Mmmmmm…so excited. His name is Justus. I have no idea how to pronounce it.

Wow I am queen of run-on sentences as of late. I plan on posting some of the pieces I wrote during my travels this summer. Though editing must occur.

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So I definitely know there are some secret readers of this blog who choose to never comment. I wish you would, even if just to say hi. Right now Nicole is taking the world of comments by storm. Give the girl some competition.

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I couldn’t sleep last night so I found myself walking around Newton. I don’t know what got into me, I guess I just had a lot to think about. Its 3:30 in the morning now and my alarm won’t go off for another half hour but I am awakw and getting ready for work. Blake sent me a message at midnight, right after I climbed back into bed. I wish I had heard it, rather than spend three hours tossing around my bed. Today should be an interesting day.

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and that was how Alessandra died…

Tonight I laughed so hard I actually began to black out. I guess it wasn’t so much laughing as it was vibrating. I really wasn’t getting any air and I had to literally fight to stop so I wouldn’t faint at the dinner table.

I was at union street for dinner and drinks with Nicole. Because of the whole fear-of-breaking ATCB thing I was quite content with my salad. Somehow Nicole convinced me to split the most ridiculous dessert ever…fried snickers.
So Nicole gives me this whole huge rant about how I have to finish my half of the dessert. With quite a struggle, I managed. It really wasn’t that great but it was worth the experience. So I started to tease Nicole about how she hadn’t finished her half, and when the waitress asked to take the plate I said
“Oh no, don’t touch that plate until she’s finished her half. “
So the waitress laughs and tells Nicole she has to lick the plate clean.

So as were talking, I look over, and Nicole picks up the rest of her snickers with her hands, and throws it over the table next to us and over the fence! I just stared open jawed for a moment before I began laughing so hard I was sobbing. I was curled up in my chair, shaking with silent laughter. Tears were pouring down my face. Suddenly I realized I wasn’t breathing, which made me laugh even more. When my vision started going out I grabbed the table just to force myself to breathe.

I have never seen anything like that in my entire life. The best part was, no one around us even noticed.

I almost laughed myself to death. Only I could do that.

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The saddest puff in the world.

So this morning I woke up smiling. I was just feeling really happy, even though I didn’t get much sleep.

So, I went downstairs to make myself my current favorite breakfast. Its strawberry yogurt with fresh strawberries and blueberries. Yes, boring, but what makes it so amazing is the granola. It’s chocolate granola. I love an excuse to eat chocolate for breakfast, and this is the best one I’ve come across so far. I’m not a big granola person, but I am a huge fan of chocolate. This stuff is the key to starting out a good day.

It’s made by this company called bear naked, and it’s kind of expensive(for granola) so it’s a rare treat I buy myself.

So I go down to the kitchen and I’m skipping around smiling like a fool because today is going to be a great fucking day and I’m about too have a ridiculously good breakfast. I take my time cutting my strawberries perfectly, arranging them in the bowl. I head to the cabinet and what do I see? NO CHOCOLATE GRANOLA.

Ok I understand that this isn’t the world’s most serious tragedy. However, had you seen the look on my face go from cartoonishly happy to what my coworkers call the “saddest-puff-in-the-world” face, you probably would have started to cry. Or at least shed a single dramatic tear.

So since I’ve never seen my father eat granola in my entire life, this clearly is the work of my evil sister. She ruined my perfect breakfast and for that, she will pay!

Or I will most likely not say anything because my sister scares me.

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Date with ATCB

So tonight went surprisingly well.

I thought it was just going to be one hour of awkward coffee-talk and then two hours of awkward sitting in a movie. Though it turns out we actually have a lot in common.

Though I guess his technical title is not “bartender” but something like “Director of Beverage Service” but ATCDOBS just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

We bonded over some really strange things, like our love of Pilot G-2 pens (OK maybe I got a bit too excited about the pen thing). He knows a lot about wine and beer and I’m hoping I can learn something from him. Finally being 21 will make it a lot easier.

I was feeling a little nervous so I didn’t want to eat in front of him. I have a tragic habit of making grand messes, spilling on myself, flinging food across a table. Especially when I’m excited(for example, when talking about the Pilot G-2 clicky pen…God I am so lame).

He doesn’t really have a sweet tooth which is such a let down. Might explain why he is so skinny. I need to feed that boy. I’m worried I might break him if I touch him.

I didn’t kiss him at the end of the night. I’m generally OK at starting dates, but I suck at finishing them. As usual, I just sort of jumped out of the car and said goodnight. I guess I got a bit flustered.

Though I refuse to give Jen and Chris (a.k.a. Chrissifer) the satisfaction of actually successfully setting us up. They’ve been trying for months. If I hadn’t gone out tonight they probably would have kidnapped me and brought me to his house tied up in the trunk of one of their (color-coordinated) cars. So we have agreed to mess with them and tell them it went horribly. Though I doubt I’ll be able to keep up the act, Jen can usually tell when I’m feeling stupidly happy.

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So it looks like I have a date with ATCB on Tuesday. This should be interesting.

My coworker Jen and her boyfriend Chris set us up. I don’t even know if “set us up” is the right phrase, because I really had no choice in the matter. Chris actually threatened to lock us in a closet together if I didn’t give him my number. I question if he was joking.

Then again, maybe I sent off the wrong message when I replied with,
“Deal.”

What can I say? He’s cute.

I dont know if I exactly trust their judgment on dating, those two are sort of psychotically in love. But ATCB seems nice, and from what I hear we are very similar.

I just have a way of finding myself in incredibly embarassing situations and I hope this isn’t one of them.

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I am losing my mind.

Right now the only thing keeping me going is knowing that this time next year I will be moving out of the house, finally. My family is driving me totally nuts.

On Saturday morning I woke up feeling pretty sniffly and sick. It was 4:30 in the morning and time to head to work. I was downstairs, and I was eating a bowl of cereal.I hear my sister come trudging down the stairs and in a Seroquel-induced slur she says
“Don’t eat all the cereal.”

It was ONE bowl. I know she was coming downstairs to raid the fridge because she is a total closet eater(well, we all are). I feel sometimes like her gastric bypass was a huge mistake because she is wasting the opportunity to lose as much weight as possible. She eats fatty food and candy, which she isn’t even supposed to have. You can eat ice cream all day and not lose weight. It is so hard having her around the house, she hoards food that she will never actually eat.

I’m just sick of having her here she needs to grow up and move out or start contributing to the house. I buy groceries all the time and occasionally I do label some food but I also buy things that everyone can have.

I left work early on Saturday because I was feeling sick and there was a big sign on the cereal that said “EMILY.”

Seriously lady, calm down, its a box of fucking cereal.

My dad also will not stop nagging me. The other day, I opened some juice in the morning and I left the little white pull-tab on the counter. When I came home he lectured me about it for TEN MINUTES. I think he is taking out his feelings about the Bobby break-up by nagging me. I almost called Bobby today to ask him to take my dad out on a man-date just so he will leave me alone.

I stayed home sick, my nose is swollen and I can’t breathe. I had to move out of bed so I cleaned my room up a bit. I was at the kitchen sink washing dishes when my dad came up and started nagging me for washing dishes AS I was washing them. Then I said how the dishes in the sink weren’t even mine and he said Emily claimed they weren’t hers and he was sick of it.

So at this point i just told him to drop it and leave me alone. Then he started fidgeting with my champagne flutes on the dish drying rack, and I asked him to just stop and leave. Right after he went upstairs one of them smashed on the kitchen floor as I added a dish to the rack. Thanks Dad, Thanks.

So I dropped the subject of the dishes not being my dishes but I actually have PROOF that they weren’t my dishes which I am going to share with you.

1. The majority of the dishes were our blue fauxderuta shallow bowls. I hate these plates for many reasons. One is that I dislike complicated patterns on dishes. Two is that they are just indecisive, they are too shallow to be a bowl but not flat enough to be a plate. I prefer to just not use them. I like my plates to be plain and white.

2. The second set of proof is that the plates had melted cheese on them. Evidence of Nachos! Ha! Right now, the only tortilla chips in the house are marked “EMILY” and tied up so no one else can eat them. Therefore, the dishes must be hers!

Wow my life is so lame.

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