I don’t know what started this all but I have a few guesses. The past few weeks I have just been feeling overwhelmingly ugly. I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want to hide.
I know it’s stupid but it has set off the same old mantras in my head and I can’t seem to get out of this funk. I found myself at Union Street with Karen-eating a salad. I hate that girl, munching on her pile of lettuce. I am not that girl!
The medicine I’m taking has killed my appetite, but it’s not what is causing this. I started feeling almost afraid of food. I have zero desire to eat. ATCB and I planned this nice dinner for tonight since tomorrow is my last day off for a while. I was so excited, but I started becoming ridiculously nervous about it yesterday. I feel totally out of control.
I know I should really just relax and have a good time. People tell me that all the time. They don’t know how I would kill to be that kind of person, and how I work on it every day. It has taken me this long in my life to find a way to keep myself happy, and I’m doing a pretty decent job of it. In fact, I have been feeling ridiculously happy-but I’m also a mess of worry and writer’s block. Maybe I should enter into a year of calm.
I’m pretty sure all these anxieties have absolutely nothing to do with food and everything to do with my anxiety about school starting. This is the last year I will ever have to do this. Holding on to that fact will get me through.
I think I’m also just annoyed because I thought I had some of this under control. If there was a “not freaking out” award I would have won it this summer roughly around the time I lost my luggage in Italy. I was so proud of the way I dealt with things this summer. I want that feeling back.
Ok, I’m just going to try and relax and have a good time. I love food. It makes me happy. Think happy. Screw feeling ugly, I am going to go out and have the greatest night ever (Well, except taco night, which currently holds the title of “Greatest Night EVER”).
Even though I’m being a total girl right now I know that as soon as I see him I will just relax completely and have a great time. I actually have to work really hard to finds flaws in anything I eat or drink with him because I’m already so fucking unhealthilly happy that everything tastes fantastic.
Wow, I totally just stopped worrying and started smiling.