I sat down with my coffee and considered loving you.
I owe a few thanks to those who have checked in on me as of late.
I spent the better part of last year in hiding, From words and poems and people, and decisions. I built a wall around me that was named one of the Seven Great Anxieties of the World. You can see the unnecessary worry from space.
I also fell in love. Which was the easy decision to make, to put in the effort to love a man across an ocean. It requires a few broken vital organs, undivided attention and a lot of time spent on the telephone. Or on an airplane. It has been gorgeous and trying.
Loving him left me wanting for wanting, as I am wont to do.
Love can be beautiful and most terribly indescribable.
Peculiar and wonderful and inopportune and just at the moment when your knees threaten to give out.
That’s always when.
Love is a lot like anxiety. It’s a good reason to stay in bed.
I call my anxiety “The Domino Problem.”
I was surrounded by a wall of them, standing six inches from my nose. Big questions, About buying a home, and what city I’d be living in, and where was my job going, and so on. Piles of paperwork I still hadn’t filled out. Phone calls I had to make. Then there was the question of him, of how to get my body where my being has been living. I feared moving in any direction, that I’d knock over a Domino and set the whole thing into motion, into a great crashing mistake of shattered porcelain.
The question was,
My answer was always,
So I stopped writing. I stopped talking to most people. It is hard to say which happened first, either way, I ran out of stories to tell.
I can be so weird sometimes. People are hard. I am lucky enough to know some who stick around.
There’s been a wild amount of change these past few weeks. I’ve been getting out a bit more and seeing people. It’s been liberating to say the least and then, the other day, the words began to come back to me.