God, I must be so convenient for you.
I want to be careful.
No,- I want to be adored.
I am absolutely incapable of being careful, and relentlessly capable of care.
You are broken, I don’t want to fix you.
But I will.
Fuck it, I —- you.
Okay, I don’t, but I do, well I don’t, but I will.
I don’t want to, but, you know, and, anyways, what was I saying? I…
I don’t. I don’t, you know, —- you, but,
I am absolutely on the precipice of —ing you.
And you absolutely don’t deserve it.
Honestly, I hate you. I tell myself every Sunday I will stop-
Stop talking to you,
Quit making myself miserable.
When I can, I spend the evening exploring all the gorgeous things
In this city who are worth adoring.
Those that are young, and eager, and secretly reading all my writing.
And yet, come Monday, somehow,
I have let you back in.
You son of a bitch, you brought me a flower.
Not some thing I can appreciate and let shrivel up by Wednesday
Like ten bucks of affection gone dry.
You fucking asshole
Brought me a beautiful thing which I will surely destroy.
I was raised by a borderline wood nymph, and yet
Inherited nothing close to a green thumb,
I am reckless with plants
I am preposterously incapable.
Give me a man at his lowest depths and lord
Can I resurrect him with my tongue alone.
But give me a plant and watch it be
Smothered, drowned by my keen attention.
I am nothing if not
an affectionate thunderstorm.
And God, this poor blossom,
This orchid, doomed,
I’ve named it. I’ve named her,
For I, as Orpheus, shall do my best to keep her from dying.
I do nothing but kill things.
God save her from me.
My friend warned me that she will shed her petals in the coming weeks
As the city turns cold and retreats.
“Well, I will say, ‘here is Eurydice, my stick who imagines she is a flower.'”
My friend warns me, further, that the stem will also die,
but there will be leaves, and promises
A hefty requirement of patience
A relentless necessity of due diligence.
Eurydice, soon stumped and longing for sun
Perched at a north-facing window
On the corner of my dining room table
Not dead yet.
Some thing I must nurse back in to existence,
A thing I must watch die
And be reborn
And not once acknowledge as an analogy for anything in my life.