An (Incomplete) List of Things I Would Let This Man Do To Me

1. Spit in my mouth
2. Stomp on my heart, metaphorically
3. Stomp on my heart, literally
4. Make me hike uphill
5. In the sunlight
6. Without sunscreen
7. Or bug spray
8. Walk 500 miles
9. Walk 500 more
10. Ask me to swim across dark water where something mysterious and terrifying will brush against my ankle
11. Not kiss me when I desperately want to kiss him
12. Kiss me absolutely anywhere
13. Steal one of my kidneys
14. Fuck me until it hurts
15. Love me until it hurts
16. Make me speak German
17. Make me watch a six-hour-long documentary on the making of 6-hour-long war documentaries
18. Get me arrested for public indecency
19. Ask me to be exclusive with him after the second fucking date
20. Steal every penny I own
21. Use me as an alibi to commit a vaguely justifiable murder
22. Use me as an alibi for an unjustifiable but non-violent crime
23. Frame me for the crime
24. Steal my best lines of writing
25. Make me listen to U2, Specifically that nightmarish free album we had foisted upon us
26. Invite me to attend an elementary school tap dance recital
27. Tell me I do look fat in that dress
28. Require me to take the minutes at a four-hour long meeting that could have been an email
29. Feed me gluten
30. Mansplain bread baking to me
31. Suggest that the color red doesn’t suit me
32. Break my fucking back
33. Break my heart

Come here, loverboy, stomp on my heart.