An (Incomplete) List of Things I Would Let This Man Do To Me

  1. Spit in my mouth
  2. Stomp on my heart, metaphorically
  3. Stomp on my heart, literally
  4. Make me hike uphill
  5. In the sunlight
  6. Without sunscreen
  7. Or bug spray
  8. Walk 500 miles
  9. Walk 500 more
  10. Ask me to swim across dark water where something mysterious and terrifying will brush against my ankle
  11. Not kiss me when I desperately want to kiss him
  12. Kiss me absolutely anywhere
  13. Steal one of my kidneys
  14. Fuck me until it hurts
  15. Love me until it hurts
  16. Make me speak German
  17. Make me watch a six-hour-long documentary on the making of 6-hour-long war documentaries
  18. Get me arrested for public indecency
  19. Ask me to be exclusive with him after the second fucking date
  20. Steal every penny I own
  21. Use me as an alibi to commit a vaguely justifiable murder
  22. Use me as an alibi for an unjustifiable but non-violent crime
  23. Frame me for the crime
  24. Steal my best lines of writing
  25. Make me listen to U2, Specifically that nightmarish free album we had foisted upon us
  26. Invite me to attend an elementary school tap dance recital
  27. Tell me I do look fat in that dress
  28. Require me to take the minutes at a four-hour long meeting that could have been an email
  29. Feed me gluten
  30. Mansplain bread baking to me
  31. Suggest that the color red doesn’t suit me
  32. Break my fucking back
  33. Break my heart

Come here, loverboy, stomp on my heart.

One thought on “An (Incomplete) List of Things I Would Let This Man Do To Me

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  1. Holy cow!!! As I read the list I kept saying out loud, “no fucking way” until my jaw was on the floor. This must be the greatest man alive.

    Like

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