- Spit in my mouth
- Stomp on my heart, metaphorically
- Stomp on my heart, literally
- Make me hike uphill
- In the sunlight
- Without sunscreen
- Or bug spray
- Walk 500 miles
- Walk 500 more
- Ask me to swim across dark water where something mysterious and terrifying will brush against my ankle
- Not kiss me when I desperately want to kiss him
- Kiss me absolutely anywhere
- Steal one of my kidneys
- Fuck me until it hurts
- Love me until it hurts
- Make me speak German
- Make me watch a six-hour-long documentary on the making of 6-hour-long war documentaries
- Get me arrested for public indecency
- Ask me to be exclusive with him after the second fucking date
- Steal every penny I own
- Use me as an alibi to commit a vaguely justifiable murder
- Use me as an alibi for an unjustifiable but non-violent crime
- Frame me for the crime
- Steal my best lines of writing
- Make me listen to U2, Specifically that nightmarish free album we had foisted upon us
- Invite me to attend an elementary school tap dance recital
- Tell me I do look fat in that dress
- Require me to take the minutes at a four-hour long meeting that could have been an email
- Feed me gluten
- Mansplain bread baking to me
- Suggest that the color red doesn’t suit me
- Break my fucking back
- Break my heart
Come here, loverboy, stomp on my heart.
Holy cow!!! As I read the list I kept saying out loud, “no fucking way” until my jaw was on the floor. This must be the greatest man alive.
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