I have been thinking a lot about my body, which isn’t always a good thing. I feel like maybe there is too much of it, like I should exercise more. Like I should whittle it away. I met another American girl today and she was sort of terrible and fantastic, she sat on the grass and spilled about her trauma. She was just so American, and so am I. I need to get back into German lessons. I need to exercise more. I need to sleep more. I feel a strange need to be less of me in all aspects. Less American, less loud, less provocative. Less fat.
Would that I could be some skinny, quiet woman, hiding my thin limbs in thick sweaters and still looking beautiful. If I had beautiful arms I would waste them being myself, talking with my hands even more. I would point at everything, I would raise my hand at any opportunity, I would touch everyone gently on the shoulder and it would be so condescending.
But if I were thin I could spend the time walking elegantly through crowded rooms and speaking German without hesitation. I could say,
“I am always just so cold.”
I could stand outside in the summer, even in. a subway car, and I wouldn’t be sweating I would be glistening, unbothered.
This heat wave is reminding me how much of me there is, when it’s too hot to cover my arms. When the air touches everything and even my ankles are sweating. Like something erotic and victorian. The air is so humid it’s always reminding me of my outline, drawing it in chalk, which mixes with sweat and melts into a paste. I haven’t felt comfortable for days save for when I am in the water.
I used to be really good at starving myself, or finding ways around it. I used to live with a lot of guilt, and now I just live with a bit more of my body and that’s a vast improvement, truly. The last year I have felt the sexiest I ever did in my life. So I am not sure why this past week I am just feeling so down on myself. I have been picking at my skin, stepping on and off the scale, I have been drinking too much coffee and not enough water and staring into the refrigerator, then closing it and walking away